In the last few years I have noticed a new trend in television commercials… I’m sure you all know the ones I’m talking about… the ones that depict diseases as cartoon characters that have moved into your body. There are two of them that I keep seeing all the time that gross me out.
The fist one is the one that shows fungus living under your toenail, the toenail itself sort of a trap door into it’s home. I know that the commercial is trying to sell me some kind of anti fungus medication, but really. Toenail fungus as an adorable little character?
The other commercial is far more irritating to me as it portrays phlem as this disgusting old man who lives in your lung complete with furniture. And… they have gievn him a child. So, single father Phlem is all kinds of excited to be enjoying his new digs and then someone pops a Mucinex or whatever and coughs him up.
In one of these commercials, Old Man Phlem is last seen sitting on some guys dresser lamenting his eviction from his dream home. I don’t understand why anyone would cough up a loogie and stick it on their dresser. This is all beyond me. You’d think he’d be bitching from the confines of a crumpled tissue deep at the bottom of a trash can or something… not from atop the dresser.
Cartoon characters being used in commercials isn’t all bad. There’s the Geico lizard who, personally, I think is sexy. Dean gives me a very hard time for this, but for cryin’ out loud… he has a cockny accent and I can’t get enough of it.
He’s so damned cute.
Mr. Clean is pretty hot, too. Just the idea of some muscle bound guy scrubbing my floors is enough to do me in. Why can’t that really happen???
Just look at him sitting there all confident that he alone can remove that stain. Grrr.
Then there are the other strange commercials out there that always have me either in hysterics or staring at the tv in disbelief. These commercials don’t use cute, colorful cartoon characters to sell their products, but extremely unrealistic ideas and bizarre TMI type of information.
I, of course, am talking about the dreaded medicine commercials. You know… the ones you should “talk to your doctor” about.
I have a few different favorites in this category. The first is any commercial that talks about the medicine and explains what it treats and then discusses the side effects. The side effects are usually ridiculous and I cannot believe they put them in the commercial instead of just telling you to talk to your doctor about them. Some of the worst side effects I’ve heard include any type of “discharge”, oily flatulance (!) and death.
Oily flatulance is my favorite by a landslide. Like hell am I going to take any kind of medication that lists butt leakage as a side effect. I don’t care if it cures cancer. Leaking out of your ass itself is something to be concerned about. Let’s find a cure for that.
Then there are the commercials that go on and on about a certain medication only they never tell you what the hell is treats. It’s sort of like saying, “This medicine exists… ask your doctor what it’s for and if you might need it.” And then I dare you to actually ask your doctor.
“Doctor… I saw a television commercial the other day that mentioned this medication and I was wondering if I might benefit from taking it.”
“Well, Stanley… this particular medication is used to treat Siminifrious Tubloidial Buttnoids… and, in fact… you DO need it!”
“Oh, Doctor, I’m so glad I asked! That burning in my rectum is something I’ve been concerned with. Thank god I saw that commercial and will now get some relief!”
Side effects of this medication include burning and itching around the rectal area. oily flatulance and in rare cases, death.
What the hell is that??? Have you noticed this? You’ll see a commercial for some sleeping pill and then it will state some of the side effects like “restlesness”, “wakefulness”, and “an inability to sleep”. Then, what on earth am I taking it for??? I wanna sleep, goddamn it, not be up all night polishing my silver!
And then there are the commercials for sexually transmitted diseases.
Oh, yes. You know the ones.
In these commercials you find two upper class people casually discussing how having herpes doesn’t have to ruin your life. They are typically found riding bikes or walking on the beach with their golden retreiver and neither one of them seems to have an issue that the other gave them a sexually transmitted disease. You see, they have learned to control their outbreaks.
Those people do not have herpes. They probably don’t have sex.
“Honey, I have something to tell you. I have genital herpes. But don’t worry. Although you probably have it now, too, it can be treated with Valtrex and the outbreaks can be managed. “
“It’s okay, sweetheart. What’s a little herpes when we have each other?”
Here is how that conversation would go down in MY house:
“Honey, I have something to tell you. I have genital herpes. But don’t worry. Although you probably have it now, too, it can be treated with Valtrex and the outbreaks can be managed.”
“Oh, yeah? C’mon over here a minute so I can kick your ass one good time before I divorce the shit out of you. You better hope to GOD I do not have fucking genital herpes… manging the outbreaks, my ass. I’ll show you managing a fucking outbreak.”
And then after one good pummeling where I will be careful not to touch a herpe, I’d be packing up his shit and moving it onto the goddamned porch.
I wish these commercials would be just a little more realistic:
“Yeah, I was bangin’ too many hoes and one of them triflin’ bitches done gave me the herpes. This is some crazy shit! I’m gonna have this shit for the rest of my life! I will never again be able to have casual sex with anyone I want and who in the hell is gonna get with me now that I have fucking herpes? Sure, I can take some Valtrex and maybe the burning will stop for a while, but it ain’t gonna get me laid!”
That’s right, buddy. You’re screwed.
See? This is why I keep my sexual behavior limited to Mr. Clean and the Geico lizard.They’re safe.
“Have you recently contracted an imaginary STD from an imaginary lover? If so… Velicor can help! Talk to your doctor today about Velicor… side efects include imaginary restlessness, imaginary burning of the rectum, imaginary oily flatulance and in rare circumstances, imaginary death. Velicor! It cures what is probably not ailing you!”
Then again… so might some Lithium.