Today was my first doctor’s appointment since my initial one and they did a little in room ultrasound on the portable machine. As a result of the portable machine and also my shitty scanner, the picture is crap. At my 20 week ultrasound I’ll be sent to the actual “crazy room” with all the really high tech equipment so that picture will be a lot better. So, for all of those who either can’t make anything out in this picture or for those of you who aren’t as adept at reading these things, I have taken the liberty of drawing you a map:
It’s sucking it’s thumb. How adorable.
Hopefully, this will help to figure out what the hell you are looking at.
As for the baby, all looks good and is measuring right on schedule. A few days difference in due date but nothing to think is strange. I asked not to see the screen during the exam so I didn’t see but the doctor said right away that the baby looked like it was breakdancing because it was moving around so much. I guess it was beaning out on all that coffee I drank before hand.
I saw a different doctor today as Dr. Hotness was delivering a baby, but this one, a woman, I liked a lot, too. She has promised me that I won’t have to come in very often and is probably only doing so to make sure I come in at all since I have skipped every appointment thus far. Being my fourth baby, I pretty much know what’s going on and so she is only going to make me come in to do the labs I’m willing to do. We compromised. I told her I’d be willing to do the glucose test if she waived my pap. Every one I get informs me that I have abnormal cells and as is, I’m supposed to be having yet another colposcopy, which I’m not doing during this pregnancy. She asked me why and I said there is no point. If I have cancer I can’t be treated until after the baby is born so why stress myself out during the pregnancy more than I am now.
My sister has cervical cancer. My other sister has endometriosis. I’m pretty much a cancer target right now, especially with this tumor I’m playing hostess to. But nothing can be done so why worry about it now? The baby is coming in July regardless.
On a strange, spiritual note that I probably shouldn’t bring up, I’ve been having some thoughts lately that aren’t all that great. It suddenly dawned on me a while back that maybe the reason I keep finding myself pregnant is because god is making it happen because soon, it won’t be able to happen at all. Are all these children before I’m thirty a sign? I have been having horrible feelings of dread for a while now and have also been fairly convinced for some time that my life isn’t going to be a long one. What a morbid thing to think about. Sorry for verbalizing that. Just ignore me.
I need to get excited about all this. It’s just that things are sucky and no one else is all that excited about this, either so I’m not being too pumped up. Really, it just feels like I have the flu for, like, a ridiculously long time. I don’t really have family other than my Aunt and Uncle and other than my biological mom. She would be pretty excited if she knew, but she hasn’t been reachable in a long time. The rest of my family, I haven’t told because they will make it a hundred times worse.
I haven’t bought anything. I haven’t started preparing in any way. I’ve avoided the doctors, at least until they started calling me every five minutes to come in. They scheduled my lab work. I skipped them. They sent me for a glucose test today. I hauled ass out the front door. They had to ultrasound me because I refused to listen to the baby’s heartbeat on the doppler and they “had to get one for pediatrics”. Then, I wouldn’t look at the screen so as I was walking out, she shoves a picture into my hand and told me to “try to look at it later”. I put it in my pocket, but I did look at it once in the car and there it is, a baby that I will love more than life itself. So, what the hell is wrong with me??
So far, it has been the flu. Nothing more than a wicked bug that has had me sick and exhausted. Now, it’s a baby. Right there in the picture.
I have six months for life to drastically improve. And it will. Everything will be good. In a couple of weeks I’m going to start feeling little movements and then, I think it will sink in. Or, make me incredibly nauseous as it usually does.
It’s pretty gross to feel something squirming around in there. I’m nauseated just thinking about it.
But yeah, there’s the baby. I figured I’d share will you even though the picture is shit.