Owen’s, by nature, are complex beings. Often stereotyped as british intellectuals masterful in the sports of english football, polo, and/or rugby, they can also often be found sipping tea in an underground bookstore most likely while wearing a tweed jacket with elbow patches. They are athletic, but sensitive creatures possessing a high moral ethic, fine genetics and a multitude of well rounded talents. They enjoy writing and music, shy away from dancing but may often be found horseback riding through the woods with their lady riding sidesaddle on the steed behind, a picnic basket bouncing along with them; the clinking of the wine bottles inside.
Owen’s are debonaire. Owen’s are polite. Owen’s ooze of etiquette and class.
I said to myself when I gave him the name.
Instead of the english royal Owen, I have created what I call, “The Americanized Owen” which is a rare breed in and of itself. My Owen is nothing like the Owen I imagined when I made the decision not to name him “Mike”. But I’m really glad, I suppose.
Mike would have bored me.
Americanized Owen does nothing other than entertain me. He has many faces. I have decided to share a few of them here with you today. I call this segment, “The art of being an Owen”. If you practice the techniques illustrated throughout, you too could one day master this fine art.
First: Be stylish with your footware.
Owen’s are always on top of the latest fashions. And they are never too ashamed to express themselves with what they wear. They stand by what they belive is attractive even when it is remarkably embarrassing for their mothers to do so and often times can be found in public locations, such as the grocery store, in these stunningly atrocious outfits. Sometimes, Owen’s forget to put on pants, but they will always make sure they have the perfect pair of shoes.
Secondly: Always protect your assets.
We as average humans always forget that danger lurks around every corner. We often forget that we could be the victim of a terrible accident at any given time and with no warning whatsoever. We must learn to protect ourselves from debilitating mishaps. The Owen is one step ahead.
Naturally, Owen’s are brilliant creatures. Their brain is of great value to them. It is of great value to the world, really. The Owen knows this and knows, instinctively, that it must protect it’s head at all times of the day even when it is remarkably embarrassing for their mothers to do so. Again, they fight to defend this right to protection even in social situations, such as a function at father’s work or even…. church. An Owen always does what he thinks is just. A head injury would be devastating. We simply cannot take the chance.
Thirdly (?): Always protect your assets again.
One never knows when I gust of wind might come and stir up the debris of Mother Nature and one certainly does not want a stick in the eye. An Owen realizes the value of sight and repels the burning itchiness that partners with getting a bit of sand scratching up his retina. An Owen is always one step ahead of the game. Protective eyewear is a necessity when leaving the house as the weather can be quite unpredictable when you are too young to follow Doppler Dave on the evening news. It is responsible to try to block your eyes from any and all form of matter that may find it’s way in there. Even when it is remarkably embarrassing for one’s mother to do so. Even when indoors. And NOT in a swimming pool.
Uh…. fourthly?: Be daring!
Demand to do the unrealistic! Defy parental wishes to do more age appropriate activities! Throw yourself down on the ground and scream even when it is remarkably embarrassing for your mother to do so! Let yourself be heard by all until it becomes impossible for your father to maintain his stance on this issue! Be tenacious!
Fall on your ass!
But an Owen is stubborn and will do it over and over again until he gets it right! And he wears his protective headgear responsibly as he does this!
Oh screw it…..#5: Be experimental!
Change your hairstyle no less than fifteen times in your three short years of life! Why not? Many celebrities do it! Jennifer Aniston…. Hillary Clinton…. and Owen’s! Owen’s oftentimes change their hairstyles without the aid of those pesky stylists or even the permission of their parents! They get bored easily and when feeling the need for change, take the scizzors into their own hands. They will refuse to allow any outside help in brushing or grooming and can be seen wandering the mall or grocery stores with strands of their gorgeous locks stuck out in all directions or glued to their nose with snot! They will scream during the evening bath and hair washing proceedure and, as a result, will emerge half scrubbed, shampoo unrinsed from hair, parent soaked to the toes streaking off naked to hide in a closet or under a nearby bed until their hair has dried into a clump of shit that looks like a dead animal has chosen their home. They leave the house looking like this and because they don’t care what others think, fail to realize the remarkable embarassment their mothers undergo as they wonder if someone at this very moment is calling social services to report the neglect and abuse this poor, unkempt child is going through.
#6: Be Athletic!
Much like his british cousins, the Americanized Owen prides himself on his althletic ability. Except when he becomes distracted by the ladies:
An Owen simply cannot help it. He knows he is bound to his teammates by the brotherhood of sport, yet his compassion towards the opposite sex will have him rushing to the aid of a fallen comrade. So long as she is hot.
His heart thumps in his chest as they stare into each others eyes. Is this love? They stand, mere inches from the goalposts and become lost in each other. Until…..
And to the remarkable embarrassment of the Owen’s mother, he is scored on by the opposing team as they walk the ball past him and into the net.
But at least he got her number.
#7: Conquor the wild beasts!
Always pick a horse too big for you. Piss him off by biting him on the ear and then hold on for dear life. Loudly point out that the horse has an erection and cause your mother remarkable embarrassment.
#8: Be unbelievably loving
An Owen always proects the ones he loves. He is never afraid to show his feelings. He defends his family and comforts them when they are hurting. He devotes his time to making others happy. He lets you know your value. This causes his mother much pride in her Owen.
Had he been a Mike, he may not have turned out so good.